JOKES JOKES JOKES

Good news, bad news

The soldiers had been in the field for two weeks and hadn't had
showers or been able to change their clothes.
Then one day the general came along and said, "Men, I have some
good news and some bad news. Which would you like first?"
All the men shouted, "Tell us the good news, tell us the good news."
The general smiled and said, "Men, the good news is that today we're
going to change our underwear."
All the men cheered.
Then the general said, "Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones.
Jackson, you change with Thomson ... "

In the classroom
A teacher said, "Mary, I'd like you to give me a sentence beginning
with 'I', please."
Mary thought for a few seconds and then said, "I is..."
The teacher interupted her and said, "No Mary, you cannot begin a
sentence with 'I is' - you must use 'I am'."
Mary looked upset and said, "But Miss..."
The teacher shouted, "Give me a sentence beginning with 'I am', please."
Mary shrugged her shoulders and said, "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

River
A man was walking along a river bank (the land at the side of a river
is called a bank) when he saw a man walking along the opposite bank.
He called across, "Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?"
The other man looked confused and shouted back, "You're on the other
side of the river already."

Fortune teller

Many hundreds of years ago a king went to see a fortune teller to
see what she could predict about the future.
The fortune teller told the king that one of his wives would die that year.
The king didn't believe her and went away laughing.
Later that year one of the king's wives died.
He remembered what the fortune teller had told him and thought that
she had caused the death of his wife, that she had made it happen.
He decided to put her to death.
He ordered that she be brought before him.
When she was before him he said to her, "A few months ago you
predicted that one of my wives would die this year, and one of them
has died. So you are a fortune teller. Now, tell me - when will you die?"
The fortune teller realised that the king was planning to kill her,
so she thought very carefully before answering, "I will die three days
before you do, your majesty."

Supermarket

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The supermarket manager greeted him with a smile and a handshake,
and then gave him a brush, saying "Welcome to Smith's Supermarkets.
Here is a brush - your first job is to sweep the floor."
The young man looked amazed and said, "But I'm a university graduate."
The manager then said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that you are
a university graduate. Give me the brush and I'll show you how to do it."