Turkey
A woman walks into a butcher's shop just before closing time and asks,
"Do you have any turkey?"
The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only turkey and puts it on
the weighing scales. It weighs three kilogrammes.
The woman looks at the turkey and at the scales and asks, "Do you have
one that's a bit bigger than this one, please?"
The butcher puts the turkey back into the fridge and then takes it out
again, but this time when he puts it on the scales he keeps his thumb
on the turkey. The scales now show four kilogrammes.
"That's wonderful," says the woman. "I'll take both of them, please."
Doctor and lawyer
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. As they talked
they were constantly interupted by people describing their health
problems and asking the doctor for medical advice.
After an hour of this the doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to
stop people asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
The lawyer replied, "I give them the advice, and then the next day I
send them a bill for the advice. They pay the bill, and never ask me for
advice outside the office again."
The doctor was shocked but decided to try it.
The next day while the doctor was preparing the new bills the postman
pushed a letter through his letterbox.
The doctor opened the envelope and inside found a bill from the lawyer.
Best worker
Two workers meet one day in the canteen at work. One says to the
other, "Have you heard the news? The Managing Director of the
company died at the weekend."
The other replies, "Yes, I know. But I want to know who died with him."
"What do you mean, 'who died with him'?" asks the first.
"Well, in the paper it said that 'with him died one of the company's
best workers', and I want to know who it was."
Magic
While on holiday in Las Vegas a couple went to see a magic show.
After one of the tricks the woman shouted out, "How did you do that?"
The magician replied, "I could tell you, madam, but if I did then
I would have to kill you."
The woman thought for a few seconds and then shouted back, "Okay,
then tell my husband how you did it."
24 hours
The doctor calls his patient by telephone:
"Vera, I have good news and bad news."
"Well then, . . . tell me the good news first."
"The results of the analysis indicate that you have 24 hours left to live."
"Well, that's the good news? Then what's the bad news?"
